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“Compassion”
“When Jesus saw the crowds,
he had compassion on them, because
they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd” (Matthew
9:36). “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe
yourselves with compassion” (Colossians 3:12).
Whenever
I’m in a counseling situation, I try to remind myself I’m not there to
“fix” the person with advice. It’s a temptation for me (and probably for
you) to put on the tool belt and go about helping someone the same way one
would fix a clogged drain or a broken bookshelf. It’s a temptation to jump
immediately into problem-solving rather than really listening to the
person. What’s the problem with
problem-solving, you ask? First
this: Most people don’t want advice;
they want someone to listen. Second,
most problems (for example, marital problems or problems with depression)
are not so easily and quickly fixed. Third, giving advice can actually be a
way of distancing ourselves from each other’s pain. Often, there is a
hidden agenda behind our advice.
Parker Palmer put it this way, “If you take my advice, and do it
right, you will get well and I will be off the hook. But if you do not
follow my advice, or do not follow it properly, I am off the hook nonetheless:
I have done the best I could, and your continued suffering is clearly your
fault” (The Journey Beckons). Christians are not called to “fix” other people with
advice. We’re called to have
compassion. “Therefore, as God’s chosen people . . . clothe yourselves with
compassion.” By trying to fix someone with advice, rather than suffering
with them, we hold ourselves away from their pain.
We are clever people, and we
can find many ways to distance ourselves from the problems of others. Another example: we like to think of
children as the sole responsibility and property of their parents. This system can work okay so long as the
parents have means, are balanced, thoughtful, and loving, and the children
don’t have any extraordinary needs.
However, it can also be a handy way of declaring problem children to
be someone else’s problem, or fault, or failure. If children are the sole responsibility
and property of their parents, then we always have an excuse: “Not my problem.” Obviously, this isn’t how Jesus
worked. It’s also a dangerous
approach that ultimately comes back to haunt us. Children deprived of love and attention
usually grow up to have large and powerful needs. They are the ones who
will drive home enraged and intoxicated. They are the ones who will have
children of their own.
There
is an alternative. We see a hint of it in an old Epiphany story. Every time
I read it, it surprises me. Mary and
Joseph took Jesus to Jerusalem
when he was twelve years old. On the way home, Mary and Joseph noticed
something wrong. “Assuming that he [Jesus] was in the group of travelers,
they went a day’s journey. Then
they started to look for him among their relatives and friends.” Imagine, they went a whole day before they even noticed Jesus’ absence
from their entourage. It appears their culture commonly understood children
were watched over by many adults, not just mom and dad. Their culture knew
already then what we try to deny now: the responsibility of raising
children is a shared venture. Children need more care than just mom and dad
can provide. What can we do? There’s
no new answer. There’s only the old,
biblical command: “Love your
neighbor as yourself.” Love your
neighbor’s children as your own.
Clothe yourself with compassion.
Instead of shrugging and saying, “not my problem” it means taking
responsibility for one another (as Jesus took responsibility for us), and
saying, “I’m going to make that my problem.”
Pastor Groth
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